Fwd: Your Real and True Friend
A signal broadcasting uninterrupted for months on every frequency
Have you been having fun? Have you made something new of yourself yet? It’s been eight months — surely you didn’t spend it all locked inside watching television and scrolling social media, right? You’ve gained a new skill, you’re making connections, you’ve grown your online brand — you probably have a lot of irons in the fire. You see your friends making big announcements, starting projects with each other or making bold career moves, and you’re happy for them because you’ve been doing big things too, of course. A whole eight months — surely you made good use of it.
Nah, I’m just kidding — actually nobody’s been getting anything done. I gained weight. You probably gained weight too, but don’t feel bad, there’s literally nothing you could have done. You have absolutely no control over your life right now. Actually you’re basically being constantly victimized every day — by the media, by the bosses, by the orange man, by the Fed — they’re all conspiring to destroy you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s nothing any of us can do about it. We’re all being crushed by an irrepressible force. You’ve probably been sobbing in the fetal position for eight months straight, and who among us hasn’t? You’re so helpless, so totally powerless, you’ve probably just been watching your life play out in front of you like a bad soap opera. Don’t worry, we’re all there with you. You’re struggling to make rent, meanwhile I’ve put on 20 pounds from all the Dove ice cream bars I’ve eaten — we all have our cross to bear.
Look, I know you’re tired, but trust me, we’re going to go back to normal as soon as possible. We’re going to make everything exactly like it was in 2014, minus a few years of your health, plus a few years of inflation. Our plan is an immediate return to the soul-crushingly banal world of Office Space, barring the fact that you’ll never get close to Jennifer Aniston and everything else that made that movie fun. You’ll be given just enough spare change to be the target of an unceasing barrage of advertisements from all sides, and you’ll get so much parasocial interaction your phone will carve a groove in your palm. The world will be back on track, the social strata will be impermeable again, and everyone will be exactly where they belong. Don’t push yourself, and don’t try to do anything too crazy — remember, it’s an accomplishment to just get out of bed in the morning.
Oh, and by “as soon as possible” I mean, like, maybe five years? Unless someone “accidentally” spills a vial of SARS-3, haha. But seriously, it’s going to take a long time. Don’t expect things to go back to normal just because there’s a vaccine. Arguably, things should never go back to normal, actually. No, follow me here: the common cold kills a lot of people, right? So why have we never done a shutdown like this for the common cold? Look, you value people’s lives, right? We can save lives with some very simple steps: restrictions on public gatherings, public records of your vaccinations — actually, we should require vaccines for entry into public events. Preferably Moderna vaccines (no reason). There should be more working from home, but also a tax on working from home, since you’re not contributing to the oil industry — er, to the economy. In general we should discourage people from meeting in person and encourage people limiting their interactions to online platforms we can track, observe and moderate. It’s for public health, and you want to save lives, right? Or are you some kind of anti-vax freak?
I’m just kidding, I know this all sounds terrible, so look — I promise to fix everything, make all the bad things go away and set you up to do whatever your heart desires. I’m going to get rid of the pandemic while still looking protecting people’s individuality, and I’m going to save the oil indu- uh, economy, but without compromising public health. I’ll basically make the kind of world any sane person would want to live in, just as soon as I’m strong enough. I can’t yet, but if you can spare a couple bucks and convince your friends to do the same, and if you talk about me on social media enough, I’ll finally get strong enough to do the right thing. Together, we can save the world. We can make everything the way it was supposed to be. We can fix your broken life plans, we can mend those dying friendships, we can build a world where you feel safe and happy and fulfilled, and all your friends are safe and happy, too. You care about your friends, don’t you? We can make things better for them, I promise.
Only, I’m already doing everything I can, and I’m still not strong enough to save the world. All I can do right now is buy more Dove bars with oily dollar bills. Sooo… not to put you on the spot or anything, but are you really trying your hardest here? I mean, you believe we can make the world a better place together, right? And I’m trying my hardest, I promise, and you don’t think I’m a liar, do you? So then really it seems like the only reason the world isn’t a better place already is because you haven’t done enough. Maybe you haven’t given enough money. Maybe you haven’t said my name enough times on Twitter. Maybe you need to win over more of your friends. I don’t know — I’m not you. All I’m saying is you probably need to try harder. Do you want to make your friends safe? You’d have to be a psychopath not to. I hope you’re not going to give up now — I need your money, attention and proselytizing, now more than ever. Come on, kid, how else will I become as strong as the assholes who put us in this mess in the first place? Just try a little harder, and as soon as I get to the top, I’ll flip that magic lever to make the world all better. I promise.
